I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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