Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize