The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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