wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
