Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
