life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
