Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
