Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
