I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
