He uses pillows to masturbate.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
