So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
