I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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