i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
