So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm always down for nudity.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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