i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
