i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
