I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
being pregnant is like rehab
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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