I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
