They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
