i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
