Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
