Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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