it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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