Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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