btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
