i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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