First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
