The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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