i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
