For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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