You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
