Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just invented taco cereal.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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