Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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