sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
