he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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