i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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