My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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