nut hugger
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm really busy with my period
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