How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
