the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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