Betty ford says i'm here all night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
