I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Sober January is a disaster.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize