dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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