Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
