3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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