Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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