Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You can't just leave with hair like that
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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