apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
