he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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