if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you traded sex for a burrito?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
