I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
