who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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