Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
