You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
