You smell like a Billy Joel song
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
