happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
