There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think I just sharted jello shots
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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