i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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